Lesson Learned

I learned a brutal lesson this morning as I sat in a Starbucks lounge chair. I was meeting over coffee or in my case Hot Chocolate with a great guy that I've been mentoring. It had been several months since we had been able to meet and there was a lot to catch up on. As we talked he shared with me some pretty big decisions that he had made and I found myself somewhat offended that he would not have come to me and asked for my input. As he continued to share I realized that he had withdrawn from the mentor relationship because he thought I was too busy for him and yet I had perceived his lack of contact with me as being a lack of follow through on his part. He wanted an older brother relationship that sought after him and I wanted a mentee that knew the ball was in his court and not mine.

This was a break down in communicating expectations. A few lessons I learned:

1. You cannot assume that people know what your expectations are of them in a relationship. People can't your mind.
2. You cannot assume to know what others expectations are of you in a relationship. You can't read their mind.
3. Talk openly about expectations early on in the relationship.
4. When in doubt, ask.
5. If someone fails your expectations have a loving and grace filled conversation with them. Resist the urge to withdrawal, isolate and bail on the relationship.

Always Learning,

Nathan

Keeping Your Pastor Healty Part 1

With October being pastor appreciation month I thought I could turn the influence of my powerhouse of a blog :) toward church families  and write about how they can be caring for and feeding their pastors. I know full well that there will be some that will see this as self-serving knowing that I am a pastor. I don't mind being misunderstood, people misunderstood Jesus all the time. Most pastors won't teach on this topic for this exact reason, they think people will think they have an alterior motive. But not teaching a Godly principle because you may be misunderstood is cowardly. This robs the church of actually knowing what they should and could be doing to properly honor and care for their pastors.


One of the greatest things you can do for your pastor is pray for him and his family.  I'm not talking about throwing him into your twenty second prayer at dinner. I'm talking about setting aside time in your prayer and devotional time on a regular basis to pray for him. Pray for your pastor as a family. This is a great way to model to your children the importance of praying for those in leadership. As with most things in life we can come to a place of taking things we value for granted, our pastors being one of them. Realize, that Satan has a special affinity for picking off church leaders. The military does not have officers wear their rank on their helmets in combat for a reason. They know that if the enemy knows who is leading they will be the first soldiers targeted. If Satan can take out church leadership in some way, he can begin to wreak havoc in a church family.


Pray for your pastor's spiritual health. Pray that God would continue to cultivate his soul. Pray that God would give him wisdom for the countless decisions that must be made and people he must counsel. Pray that God would guard and deepen his marriage. Pray that God would help him as a father to pastor his home well. Pray that God would provide every need: physical, emotional and financial. Every pastor covets the prayers of his flock.


Why not stop and pray for your pastor right now,


Nathan

Receiving Critism....

Every now and then I get a blunt reminder that not everyone is part of the Nathan Rouse fan club of life. For someone like me who has in the past looked for validation externally, it can be hard to hear, read, and see that not everyone likes me. I sometimes really wish I was that person that could care less what so and so thinks and just keep moving forward, but for me it's not that easy. It's even harder if you're putting yourself out there in the area of leading, teaching, writing, etc. Whether it's people that just misunderstand you, whole heartily disagree with your positions or just don't like you, I believe there are some principles that can help us when receiving criticism.

Don't get defensive: Set your pride and ego aside and genuinely hear what the person has to say. Sometimes people just want to feel heard. Don't always feel you have to respond right then. I sometimes take notes (if I can) so I slow myself down and process what they've said later.

Ask yourself "Is there ANY truth to what's been shared?": I believe we can learn from anyone, even if the criticism is not shared in the most mature or kindest fashion.

DO make adjustments if needed: If out of the criticism you see something valuable that needs to be adjusted in yourself or leadership...DO IT! Don't allow your ego to keep you from learning and growing.

Move Forward: Many people when running into criticism allow it to paralyze their lives, plans and leadership. If you feel what you're doing is biblical and you've prayed, sought wise counsel, and feel this is the best course then stand firm and move forward. Don't water down your message or plans out of fear of upsetting others when you know it's the best course of action.

Value the Relationship: Our immediate reaction to someone being critical is to want to withdrawal from that person by either avoiding them or just not talking as much to them. While we cannot control their actions we can control ours. Make it a point to continue to reach out to them even if they might not receive it. The apostle Paul said for us to "live in peace with one another." We should make every effort to do so!

Go Grow,

Nathan

When Today isn't Enough.....

Recently I had the opportunity to catch up with an old friend and find out how his life was going. He shared with me that he was going to make another huge leap in furthering his academic studies. When I asked him why, he said, "I need an external mental and emotional push. It's either this or have an affair. I chose the least expensive option."

I can resonate with my friend's feeling of always wanting that "next big thing". I can become so forward thinking that I forget about today. And that next big thing is always elusive. It seems just as we arrive and accomplish that project, event or attain that "next ring", we find that the satisfaction disappears in our souls like cotton candy on the tongue. This constant striving left unchecked can cause us to live life like a bull in a china closet.

I have been on this roller coaster of emotions and it's not fun. I'm slowly growing in my ability to manage my emotions instead of my emotions managing me. For the sake of my marriage, my family and my ministry it is crucial that I get this right. Bottom line: I must remind myself daily that my life's pursuit is not to attain greatness for myself, but to point to Christ's greatness.

Today is Enough,

Nathan

Don't Be That Person...

Pet Peeve Alert: Those people that talk about themselves incessantly. Recently I had a chance to catch up with a friend from the past. It would have been a pleasant conversation had it not been for the fact that my friend talked the entire time and then shockingly had to go. There was a trite "how's the family?", but you could tell it was meaningless. You could tell there wasn't a genuine desire to know how I or my family really was. I've been guilty at times of dominating conversations with stories. Here is a test: Next time you are sharing a story with someone and you are interrupted by something, see if people ask you to finish your thought. If they don't, there's your sign. Bottom line: It's not just about asking the right questions in a conversation. It's about genuinely wanting to know the answers. Don't just talk to me...listen to me.

Hear me,

Nathan

The Why....

For a second I'd like you to think about a goal you might have, a degree you might be after, a relationship you are in. Let's call that the "what". Next, I'd like you to think about why you are in that relationship or why you are chasing that goal or degree. We'll obviously call that the "why". Not knowing the whys behind the things we are doing or want to do causes the following:

1. We won't know the purpose behind all the efforts we are putting in.
2. We'll get distracted by other people or things that come along.
3. We'll give up more easily when we run into obstacles.

But if we know the "why" behind the "what" in our lives we can know exactly why we are in that relationship and exactly "why" we are in that job or chasing that goal. Take a bit and really examine why you are doing what you are doing. I think it will be worth your time.


It Matters,

Nathan

Listen....

Several weeks ago I was watching T.V. when I happend to look over at my wife. The look on her face spoke volumes that only a husband of 10 years can read. The "look" said this: "I've just been talking to you and you haven't heard a word I've been saying." I proceeded to stop everything and give her my full, undivided attention.

It was a good reminder that there is a huge difference between hearing and listening. Hearing means that you are hearing the audible tones coming out of someones mouth. Listening means you are proactively giving attention to grasp the content that another person is sharing. Are you a hearer or a listener? Hearers act like they're listening when really they are placating. Hearers mentally prepare their response while the other person is talking. Listeners allow the other person to fully share and then think about their response. Listeners stay present in the moment and ask follow up questions to show that they are following along. Bottomline: Your relationships (personal and business) will only go as far as your ability to listen.

Testing 1, 2, 3,

Nathan

The Dreaded "N" Word....

I'm not a huge fan of the word "no". I don't like to hear it and even more importantly I don't like to say it. Because of my aversion to using "the word" I tend to use everything but "no": yes, maybe, we'll see, who knows, there's an idea or I just all together ignore the question, statement or cirsumstance. Recently someone asked if they could do something and they needed my approval. To not offend them and to avoid me having to say the tough thing, that they did not have the ability to do "this thing" I said "yes". I didn't want to say "no" because I felt that meant potential conflict. When I avoid saying "no" when it's called for I make myself out to be a liar because I'm saying "yes", but inside I'm screaming "no". When I placate people by putting them off and avoiding them, I let the issue become a wedge in my relationships. We need to be asking ourselves the motivation behind this: Is it my own insecurity? Am I intimidated by the person? Am I afraid of conflict?

Bottom Line: You can say no. The island will not blow up. Life moves on as will your relationships.

Say it with me........No,

Nathan

Mirror, Mirror On the Wall

I've often heard in conversations someone referring to a person as an "old soul". Now I get what they are saying.....the person seems to be farther along the timeline in life then their age would suggest. This may be evident in how they interact socially, their cultural taste, maybe they're more reflective. But it got me to thinking what if someone gave you a magic mirror to show you your "age" on the inside in the following areas: Relationship building, leadership development, your walk with God. What would that mirror show? A thriving, healthy, growing adult or a withered Benjimin Button type with stunted growth that's dysfunctional? Bottom line: We are responsible for our own spiritual, social and emotional development. It falls on no one else.


Own It,

Nathan

It's Not Going Away.....

You are not going to want to do this. I promise you. If you can stop reading now, I'd encourage you to.

Ok....you asked for it.

What is the thing in the back of your mind that's really nagging you? The thing you don't want to think about or deal with.

Let's look at it on two levels: relationships and career/tasks.

For instance in that relationship....the thing you need to address, but haven't. Maybe there is an issue you need to bring up that you've tried to ignore. Maybe a flaw in your character that needs to be dealt with. Or something that's been bothering you and just hasn't seemed right but you haven't wanted to rock the boat.

Maybe for you it has to do with your career or ministry. The thing that isn't going well, but you continue to turn a blind eye to it. An underperforming teammate, a failing idea, something that is just not working.

Dr. Henry Cloud, author of the book Integrity, talks about the need for people to "embrace the negative". The worst thing we can do is bury our head in the sand and hope for a change.

We live in a world where thinking positive is in vogue, but embracing the negative is not about thinking negatively. It is about being able to look the negative in the eye and face it head on to deal with proactively.

I've found that when I ignore the negative issues in my life whether they are in my relationships or ministry (workplace) that it doesn't go well. At best I eventually look like an idiot and at worst I end up hurting myself and others deeply.

You will not move forward until you learn to deal with the negative.

I'm positive,

Nathan

Saying the last 10%....

Yeah I'm that guy....I'm that guy who when I know I have something tough to say to someone I'm saying the conversation out loud in the car before I get there. I actually have the conversation out loud with myself. I think about their possible responses and I think through how I'm going to communicate how I really feel. The problem is there is no way I can think of every response I might get. Recently, this happened and I was stunned.......regardless, I had to come to a place where I could say EVERYTHING that needed to be said.

Many of us when faced with a conversation that we would rather not have tend to shrink back in the moment and not say the hard statement that may need to be said. This tends to create in us an underlying frustration of not being able to say what we really want to say, whether that's with a friend, spouse, a leader and so on. Bill Hybels (Pastor of Willow Creek) called that in a recent interview "not saying the last 10 percent". We instead to desire to say as much as we can without having to feel awkward, hurt the other person's feelings or put strain on the relationship. It is essentially communicating out of fear. Fear of people thinking we're over reacting, them not liking us anymore....rocking the boat essentially. When we reserve what truly needs to be said we are doing ourselves and the other person a disservice. Now hear me with balance: Saying the last 10 % doesn't mean ripping someone a part. It means communicating succinct truth with love, regardless of how they may or may not receive it. This will change how you communicate in your relationships, workplace and life in general.


Say it,

Nathan