My tantrums really don't look that much different than a child's. When something in ministry, in a relationship or just life in general doesn't go the way I want I can easily fall into the trap of feeling sorry for myself and complaining about the circumstances that have befalling me. If I were to look at my pride in the face I would find that arrogance fuels my adult tantrums. It is arrogance because I am inevtiably saying, "I don't deserve what is happening to me." I was reminded of this in my recent reading of Humility: True Greatness, by C.J. Mahaney.
Mahaney writes that "Any affliction or circumstance we endure here on earth pales in comparison to what we truly deserve." I was challenged by this to remember that the next time I feel the temptation to feel I don't deserve something that I must pause to reflect on what I DO deserve.
Overwelmed by Grace,
Nathan
P.S. I've enclosed a link to this book to the left in this post. I highly recommend it.
I hate my life right now. Not sure if that lines up with fair or just major depressing. God chooses to still allow me to get out of bed in the morning, so I do it for my kids. Oh how I love them. But if they weren't so important to me... well.. lets just not go there.
ReplyDeleteMy spouse is so GOD minded that there is no room to talk about life. Normality. There is no help with the kids... cuz "someone" has to make a living. However when given the chance to go preach.... there is no hesitation or complaints.
The tv got shut off because "there is too much crap in this house.. and too much crap food" "our bodies are a temple and we need to keep the crap food out, and the crap tv out."
I feel like I am drowning in a bottomless ocean of misery. Thank God for kids in sports. That is the only thing that gets me out of the house.... however... if my spouse had it their way... all sports would go and we would read the bible and pray all day. In the bible I read... God doesn't force Himself on anyone. All this is pushing me farther away from God. It doesn't seem like love is in the air anymore. From God, or spouse.
No prayer, prayer chain, healing prayer, pastor meeting, extra church classes have helped. It has been 15 years of the same arguments. Nothing I do is right. You are right. I don't deserve anything. Yet.. I am told it is all about me.
Defeated.
Dear Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteMy heart was broken for you when I read this. Have you had the oppurtunity to sit down with your husband and humbly share with Him all of this that you have shared here?
Nathan
I tried to make it a non gender situation, but I guess maybe this screams husband??? Yes.. we have talked. How do you tell your spouse "it is the "god" in you that I hate?"
ReplyDeleteIn a nutshell.. he says I need to read the bible to see how to treat a husband.
Don't get me wrong.. This seems like he is a total loser, and control freak. He is definitely not. He wants to serve God with everything in him. And I am not under lock and key... but..... maybe I am not willing to surrender all yet??? I just don't want to surrender out of force. I feel God is soft. Not forceful. On anyone. My husband is very dominant when he talks to anyone about the Lord. He knows the bible, and what he says is correct most of the time. But how he says it really turns a lot of people off. And totally embarrasses me! He doesn't see it when people turn him off. He just keeps attacking.
He tells me he stays because he loves God more than me. And he says he is not a quitter. However... his standards are Proverbs 31, and my desire right now is Gen 3:6. REBELLION! Towards him... not God. But.. However, I am rebelling against God by rebelling against him.
Above I said it is the"god" in you that I hate. little g. I am trying to see God as loving. The god I see in him is judgmental and critical. Meanwhile.. I feel my "color" fading. I will never live up to those standards.. and I am not willing to try. That is just honest.
There is a lot more to say, but as you can see, I probably need... WE NEED.. counseling. And he is willing to do that too. but we need neutral counseling. He would like us to talk to someone we know that lives the life my husband wants us to live. No tv. Homeschool. cooks dinner every night.. yada yada. But I bet that dad helps with the kids. Takes the kids to games.. spends time with the family instead of hiding in his room from the time he gets home, or when he comes out... it is about BIBLE.. we need to do this better..
EGG SHELLS! My oldest doesn't even want to be around him. It is embarrassing. Doesn't want him at events. Sad. I pray she marries a man that loves God more than he loves her... but has the compassion and love that doesn't make her feel less than.
I need to stop.. that is enough garbage for the dump today. Sorry
I just wrote a response but it wasn't accepted and deleted it... so... here I go again.
ReplyDeleteI tried to make this a "gender neutral" spouse, but maybe it screams husband?????
Yes.. we have talked. But how do you say.. "It is the "god" in you I hate" to your husband? The critical, judgmental, one sided standards.
Basically... I am told I need to read the bible to see how to treat a husband. The problem is, he wants Proverbs 31, and I only desire to give him Gen 3:6. REBELLION! Not against God, just him. However, rebelling against him is rebelling against God.
Obviously we need counseling. And we both want to go. But he wants to see a person that lives the lifestyle he wants. Wife Cooks every meal, No tv. home schools, (tried, failed. he agreed) But what he doesn't do is take part in the kids life. Hides in his room. And when he is out we all feel judged.. well those of us over the age of 10.
I feel like I am losing my "color". My desire for any ministry. I am just gray...
I said more earlier.. but I suppose this is enough garbage for the dump.
I am trying to see God as not forceful.
Just so you know.. I know he loves me, and I know I love him. We are stuck in the balance. It will get better ... so I'm told.
ReplyDeleteCan I ask if you attend Pure Heart? If you do, I would suggest trying to set up a meeting with Pastor Bill who is gifted in marital counseling. Going to your husband in humility and sharing with him that you sincerely want God's best for your marriage and your family and you both obviously agree it is not working well right now and why not we take this first step and see if this could be helpful.
ReplyDelete