No More Christian Nice Guy

Are you a nice person? Would others consider you nice? I continue to see people that confuse the whole of Christian living as being nice. There is NO commandment in scripture to be nice. As Christians we are to walk in love, integrity, service and humility, But we are never told we must be nice.

Nice [nahys] -adjective : 1. pleasing, agreeable; delightful. 2. amiably pleasant

I grew up being told to be "nice" my entire childhood. This left me at times not being who God had me to be as well as just caving under any external pressure I might have run into. In Paul Coughlin's book, No More Christian Nice Guy, I was reminded that we are not called to be "agreeable" all the time. He also the damage that "niceness" causes to relationships, families and the Christian Church. Jesus Christ himself came to not be "nice" but to bring change. Scripture says that the Christian faith is an offence to unbelievers. If it's not...some thing's wrong. You are not called to make everyone happy, to never disagree with someone or be politically correct. Now for those of you that can't read nuance, let me also say that you're not called by Jesus to be a jerk! That is not what this is about. It's about living out the Christian faith in a authentic fashion without being a pansy in the process. I highly recommend this book!



Not Nice,

Nathan

Receiving Critism....

Every now and then I get a blunt reminder that not everyone is part of the Nathan Rouse fan club of life. For someone like me who has in the past looked for validation externally, it can be hard to hear, read, and see that not everyone likes me. I sometimes really wish I was that person that could care less what so and so thinks and just keep moving forward, but for me it's not that easy. It's even harder if you're putting yourself out there in the area of leading, teaching, writing, etc. Whether it's people that just misunderstand you, whole heartily disagree with your positions or just don't like you, I believe there are some principles that can help us when receiving criticism.

Don't get defensive: Set your pride and ego aside and genuinely hear what the person has to say. Sometimes people just want to feel heard. Don't always feel you have to respond right then. I sometimes take notes (if I can) so I slow myself down and process what they've said later.

Ask yourself "Is there ANY truth to what's been shared?": I believe we can learn from anyone, even if the criticism is not shared in the most mature or kindest fashion.

DO make adjustments if needed: If out of the criticism you see something valuable that needs to be adjusted in yourself or leadership...DO IT! Don't allow your ego to keep you from learning and growing.

Move Forward: Many people when running into criticism allow it to paralyze their lives, plans and leadership. If you feel what you're doing is biblical and you've prayed, sought wise counsel, and feel this is the best course then stand firm and move forward. Don't water down your message or plans out of fear of upsetting others when you know it's the best course of action.

Value the Relationship: Our immediate reaction to someone being critical is to want to withdrawal from that person by either avoiding them or just not talking as much to them. While we cannot control their actions we can control ours. Make it a point to continue to reach out to them even if they might not receive it. The apostle Paul said for us to "live in peace with one another." We should make every effort to do so!

Go Grow,

Nathan

The Dark Side of Facebook....

I made the leap onto the Social Networking platform this last December by creating a profile on Facebook. I know this might sound late to some of you but I was very hesitant about the idea of people knowing everything about me or the feeling that it might steal time from an already busy schedule.

While I have found a ton of great benefits in using Facebook (connecting with people and leveraging influence), I have also found a few negatives to these Social Networking sites (Facebook, MySpace, Twitter...etc.). Here are my thoughts:

1. Self-expression overload: This generation highly values self-expression. Everyone seems to desire to have some type of artistic expression and universities are reporting exponential increase in communication majors. With that being said, do you think there is such a thing as too much disclosure? Is it dysfunctional to share EVERYTHING with EVERYONE?

2. Friendships Vs. Acquaintances: Here's the deal we don't really have 657 "friends". Most of them are people we just know. A facebook friend is not always the same as an authentic relationship. Keep a good perspective on having quality relationships not so much focusing on quantity. You don't want to wake up one day and realize all your relationships are just surface depth.

3. Time Thief: When I first got on to facebook I spent a TON of time online. My family and work paid the price. Saying yes to being online means saying no to: someone else, your work, valued projects that you want to get done and much more. I think it's a great tool, but not at the cost of friends, family and your legacy paying the price.

Bottom Line: Don't let your desire to express and connect online overwhelm your desire to connect and express in person.

Still Friends?,

Nathan

Am I What I'm looking for?

A few days ago I was complaining to myself about a friend I felt had let me down. I can be very introspective already and I found myself thinking about what I really value in friendships. What are the qualities that I desire in friendship? As I made a mental list, I was then prompted to ask this logical question: How do I personally measure to up to these qualities? I began to get defensive and rationalize here and there about why I wasn't always this or that or how it's different for me because..." We tend to extend ourselves a lot more grace than we extend others.

I believe we're called to focus on becoming the kind of friend we desire to have. It's about taking the wood plank out of our own eye before we worry about the speck in others. Lord, help me to think more about what I can bring to a relationship instead of what I'm not getting.

Amen,

Nathan

Think the Best?

Question: Are you the type of person that thinks the best about others or the worst? Do people have to first prove themselves to you before you view them in a positive way? An outlook that thinks critically of people until they prove otherwise is a heavy load for both sides. One side is an outlook of jaded cynicism (possibly coming from a critical home background or being hurt by people along the way of life.) The other side of our critical view of others is that we ask people to jump through hoops that we wouldn't want put on us. We can be critical of others in way that we would see as unfair if done to us.
I can hear the arguments now. Nathan, you don't know what's been done to me. You don't know how I've been treated....Do you just expect me to get run over? Answer: No. Thinking the best of others doesn't mean being unwise or not being realistic. It means a balanced approach of wisdom and a love for people that always hopes. Bottom Line: Treat and view people the way you would like to be treated and viewed.

Trust Me,

Nathan

Don't Be That Person...

Pet Peeve Alert: Those people that talk about themselves incessantly. Recently I had a chance to catch up with a friend from the past. It would have been a pleasant conversation had it not been for the fact that my friend talked the entire time and then shockingly had to go. There was a trite "how's the family?", but you could tell it was meaningless. You could tell there wasn't a genuine desire to know how I or my family really was. I've been guilty at times of dominating conversations with stories. Here is a test: Next time you are sharing a story with someone and you are interrupted by something, see if people ask you to finish your thought. If they don't, there's your sign. Bottom line: It's not just about asking the right questions in a conversation. It's about genuinely wanting to know the answers. Don't just talk to me...listen to me.

Hear me,

Nathan

When it Hurts....

Nothing quite matches the feeling when someone close to us fails us. It draws out of us a myriad of emotions: anger, frustration, confusion, sadness....you get the idea. And when we feel like someone is letting us down or has failed us completely we many times immediately distance ourselves from them because we don't want to deal it out. We don't want to have to confront and call someone out on the carpet or bring correction where it's needed. We can begin to avoid and even ignore them completely. And Depending on the severity of the wound it can sometimes take a while for us to bounce back. Being hurt is normal and we should allow ourselves the right grieve that which has been lost. With our trust for them on life support however, and us wanting so badly to stay ticked off at them we can set up a scenario for a "perfect storm" of bitterness to take up residence in our heart. Don't let it. Bitterness and unforgiveness are bedfellows and do not play nice together.

Yes, own how you feel. Yes, confront the person with the offence but don't hold onto it. "Forgive as Christ has forgiven you." Surely you can think of a time when you've failed someone. A friend, a family member.....God. Forgiveness doesn't always mean reconciliation. Forgiveness means giving up your right for pay back. Leave that to God. He's much better at it.


Forgive,

Nathan

The Why....

For a second I'd like you to think about a goal you might have, a degree you might be after, a relationship you are in. Let's call that the "what". Next, I'd like you to think about why you are in that relationship or why you are chasing that goal or degree. We'll obviously call that the "why". Not knowing the whys behind the things we are doing or want to do causes the following:

1. We won't know the purpose behind all the efforts we are putting in.
2. We'll get distracted by other people or things that come along.
3. We'll give up more easily when we run into obstacles.

But if we know the "why" behind the "what" in our lives we can know exactly why we are in that relationship and exactly "why" we are in that job or chasing that goal. Take a bit and really examine why you are doing what you are doing. I think it will be worth your time.


It Matters,

Nathan

Rear Window....

In the spring of my junior year in college I had a blow out on a freeway in Dallas. Frustrated at the thought of having to change a tire on the side of a freeway I made my way to my trunk and whispered a prayer that someone might pull over and help me. Sure enough, at that exact moment a car stopped just in front of me on the emergency lane. I could see two kids looking back at me in the rear window as their dad walked back to me. He said, "Have a flat tire?", as I stood in front of my shredded blown out pile of rubber. "Ummm yeah", I said, not wanting to point out the stupidity of his question and just thankful that he had stopped. As I bent down to take the hub cap off, he said, "I'd love to help you, but first you're going to have to help me." I looked up and realized that from somewhere he had pulled out a revolver. I froze......He said, "Give me all the money in your wallet." Shaking, I reached to my back pocket and as I was pulling out my wallet I remembered that I only had a single dollar bill. With my thumbs I opened up the wallet for him to see and said, "That's all I got." Seeing the single dollar he got angry and I closed my eyes as he hit me in the chest with handle of the gun. He said, "You've got to be kidding me". He then proceeded to take the dollar and run back to his car. I stood there with my hands still in the air watching his kids look back at me through the rear window as they drove off.
As my knees gave way to the thought of what just happened I sat down and made sure I hadn't wet myself. Then my mind went to those kids in the rear window........It's been 12 years since that day on the freeway in Dallas and I still think about those kids in the rear window from time to time. Where are they? How did their life turn out? How do they view life now?

Bottom line: We never know the background of the people we interact with. Let's make sure our interactions with them count.

It matters,

Nathan

Do Overs....

What happens when you are hit hard with the reality that life has not gone the way you had planned it? The Play of your life has not played out the way you wrote it. People aren't reading their lines as you envisioned. Your friendships, your marriage, your family, your career...even you yourself have not turned out the way you wanted.

Sometimes things turn out better than we expected, but many times we find ourselves frustrated and discontent with how the cookie has crumbled. This discontent can leave marriages and families in ruins, careers in disarray and relationships struggling. I believe our life is made up of a combination of our choices, the choices of others and a sovereign God. While our circumstances can many times be a great motivation for us to move forward we can also end up spending way too much time looking at the past with regret and viewing the future as a fix. What we miss out on is the present. Don't.

Live the present,

Nathan

The Dreaded "N" Word....

I'm not a huge fan of the word "no". I don't like to hear it and even more importantly I don't like to say it. Because of my aversion to using "the word" I tend to use everything but "no": yes, maybe, we'll see, who knows, there's an idea or I just all together ignore the question, statement or cirsumstance. Recently someone asked if they could do something and they needed my approval. To not offend them and to avoid me having to say the tough thing, that they did not have the ability to do "this thing" I said "yes". I didn't want to say "no" because I felt that meant potential conflict. When I avoid saying "no" when it's called for I make myself out to be a liar because I'm saying "yes", but inside I'm screaming "no". When I placate people by putting them off and avoiding them, I let the issue become a wedge in my relationships. We need to be asking ourselves the motivation behind this: Is it my own insecurity? Am I intimidated by the person? Am I afraid of conflict?

Bottom Line: You can say no. The island will not blow up. Life moves on as will your relationships.

Say it with me........No,

Nathan

Expiration Date on Relationships........

I think it's fitting that I return to the blogosphere on Memorial Day. I put my writing on hold last week after I lost a dear friend last week. He had battled a health condition for over a decade. His name was Reid and he was 24. He had a beautiful mind and a gentle spirit.

I am reminded from his loss how we never know how much time we have here on this celestial ball. I'd like you to ponder some questions I've been asking myself:

Am I making time for people that I "say" I value?

Do you call many people friends but have little depth in your friendships? We make time for what is important. If people in your life are important....make time.

What does my qaulity time look like with them?

Make sure you getting past surface conversation and on to things that matter. When they're gone we won't care that we talked about the weather.

Is there anything I need to say or do before one of us is gone?

Ask forgiveness and forgive where it's needed. Communicate to them how they've impacted your life. What have you always wanted to say or do? No more excuses...do it.


Remember,

Nathan

Guilt Trips

I'm not a fan of guilt trips. This form of passive manipulation paves the road to hell. (OK that was a little dramatic, I'm just not a fan). We've all experienced guilt trips from people (Moms are notorious) and we've all ended up doing things we didn't want to do because of this tactic. People tend to use guilt as a motivator in relationships when they aren't getting what they want and don't have the guts to say directly what they are feeling. We must come to a place of maturity and say what we mean and realize there is a better way to get our feelings across. People in our lives are much more apt to respond to genuine communication even if that means voicing frustration and upsetting them. No more passive aggressive tactics. Own your emotions and communicate them.

After all I've done for you...,

Nathan

Hearing the Last 10%....

Top 3 worst feelings in life....1. Throwing up 2. A Severe Sunburn 3. Being Corrected. Since this insn't a WebMD blog I'm going to address the third one. A few days ago I talked about the importance of saying the last 10% in our relationships (saying the things that are the most difficult). Tonight I want to talk about the other side of that.....hearing the last 10%. I was meeting with some friends tonight and they shared their last 10% with me. It wasn't easy for them to say and I can tell you that it wasn't easy for me to hear. As they shared I wanted in so many ways to be able to tell them that they didn't understand or they were way off base, but the truth is.....they were right on. In that moment I had a decision to make: get defensive and angry or listen and process. Thankfully, the Lord helped me to listen and own my junk. Bottom Line: God will use friendships and even people we can't stand to communicate truth. We must be mature enough to listen, process what was shared for truth and apply it.

Listen,

Nathan

Beyond the surface....

Know those people that say they have more than one best friend? How is that possible? Doesn't "best" mean "the top" or stands alone? Anyway, in thinking about friendship last night I was thinking about how grateful I am for true accountability. I'm not talking about the people I can seem to have fun with and just really enjoy their company. I mean friendship that runs deeper. Actual Accountability. A relationship where I give them permission to ask the tough questions about my life. When they know they can call me out on something and they give me permission to do the same. It's really Proverbs 27:17 in action: "Iron Sharpens Iron. So one man sharpens another." Relationships that don't have this type of intimacy aren't wrong. We just need to know that we will not have any type of accountability in a relationship like that. What about you? Do you have someone in your life that holds you accountable on a regular basis or do you always keep people at a distance?

Get to Sharpening,

Nathan

Last Words....

This last week I went to the funeral of a 19 year old. It was a tragic end to an incredibly short life. While his death was unexpected the grief at his funeral was not. The emotion in the room was palpable. As his father and brothers got up one by one to share things about him they loved. Thoughts they had never shared with him what they appreciated about him, memories that brought them laughter and joy. The undescribable pain they spoke out of was from not just his death but the fact they had never spoken the words to him while he was alive. It was another reminder that we are all mortal and not permanent on this earth. Here's my thought: Why not share those things with those that we care about now? Why wait? Don't let their death be the catalyst for expression. Go in the next room, pick up the phone, write a note..........say it.


No Regrets,

Nathan

Need to Love them Too....

I have a friend that I recently caught up with after circumstances had taken us different directions. He's one of those friends where conversation comes easy, we have the same humor, and we are in the exact same season of life. Friendship with him is EASY. There are others however that life propels me into their journey and it is not so easy. If I were to be honest there are some that I would rather not be around at all. But, there I am.....with them......torn between a lack of chemistry and the knowledge that God longs for me to push past my preferences and genuinely love them. Not the "I love you because God says I have to" but a love that comes from a reservoir that only Christ can provide. I don't have to skip through the fields with everyone (picture it in slow motion), but I do need to ask God to help me love them genuinely and practically. Someone might be thinking this about me.

Love,

Nathan

Mirror, Mirror On the Wall

I've often heard in conversations someone referring to a person as an "old soul". Now I get what they are saying.....the person seems to be farther along the timeline in life then their age would suggest. This may be evident in how they interact socially, their cultural taste, maybe they're more reflective. But it got me to thinking what if someone gave you a magic mirror to show you your "age" on the inside in the following areas: Relationship building, leadership development, your walk with God. What would that mirror show? A thriving, healthy, growing adult or a withered Benjimin Button type with stunted growth that's dysfunctional? Bottom line: We are responsible for our own spiritual, social and emotional development. It falls on no one else.


Own It,

Nathan

It's Not Going Away.....

You are not going to want to do this. I promise you. If you can stop reading now, I'd encourage you to.

Ok....you asked for it.

What is the thing in the back of your mind that's really nagging you? The thing you don't want to think about or deal with.

Let's look at it on two levels: relationships and career/tasks.

For instance in that relationship....the thing you need to address, but haven't. Maybe there is an issue you need to bring up that you've tried to ignore. Maybe a flaw in your character that needs to be dealt with. Or something that's been bothering you and just hasn't seemed right but you haven't wanted to rock the boat.

Maybe for you it has to do with your career or ministry. The thing that isn't going well, but you continue to turn a blind eye to it. An underperforming teammate, a failing idea, something that is just not working.

Dr. Henry Cloud, author of the book Integrity, talks about the need for people to "embrace the negative". The worst thing we can do is bury our head in the sand and hope for a change.

We live in a world where thinking positive is in vogue, but embracing the negative is not about thinking negatively. It is about being able to look the negative in the eye and face it head on to deal with proactively.

I've found that when I ignore the negative issues in my life whether they are in my relationships or ministry (workplace) that it doesn't go well. At best I eventually look like an idiot and at worst I end up hurting myself and others deeply.

You will not move forward until you learn to deal with the negative.

I'm positive,

Nathan

Saying the last 10%....

Yeah I'm that guy....I'm that guy who when I know I have something tough to say to someone I'm saying the conversation out loud in the car before I get there. I actually have the conversation out loud with myself. I think about their possible responses and I think through how I'm going to communicate how I really feel. The problem is there is no way I can think of every response I might get. Recently, this happened and I was stunned.......regardless, I had to come to a place where I could say EVERYTHING that needed to be said.

Many of us when faced with a conversation that we would rather not have tend to shrink back in the moment and not say the hard statement that may need to be said. This tends to create in us an underlying frustration of not being able to say what we really want to say, whether that's with a friend, spouse, a leader and so on. Bill Hybels (Pastor of Willow Creek) called that in a recent interview "not saying the last 10 percent". We instead to desire to say as much as we can without having to feel awkward, hurt the other person's feelings or put strain on the relationship. It is essentially communicating out of fear. Fear of people thinking we're over reacting, them not liking us anymore....rocking the boat essentially. When we reserve what truly needs to be said we are doing ourselves and the other person a disservice. Now hear me with balance: Saying the last 10 % doesn't mean ripping someone a part. It means communicating succinct truth with love, regardless of how they may or may not receive it. This will change how you communicate in your relationships, workplace and life in general.


Say it,

Nathan